About Us
Amdanom Ni / More Than You Wanted to Know
Yes, we know. We've heard the jokes. Here's our official response.
Q: Why is the logo just 'HH' everywhere?
A: Because 'Hawarden High' fits on a badge. Unfortunately, nobody in 1606 anticipated that a certain Austrian painter would ruin those initials for everyone 300 years later.
Q: Wait, do you mean-
A: Yes. We know. We're aware. Every Year 7 thinks they're the first person to notice. They are not.
Q: Has anyone ever... you know... made the connection publicly?
A: Only approximately 47,000 times. We have a tally chart in the staff room. It stopped being funny in 1945.
Q: Couldn't you rebrand?
A: We've considered 'Hawarden Academy' (HA - too sarcastic), 'Penarlâg High' (PH - chemistry jokes), and 'Hawarden Learning Institute' (HLI - sounds like a disease). We're stuck with it.
Q: So every time someone wears the uniform...
A: They're representing a Welsh school founded 300 years before that guy was even born. Context matters. Also, our logo has THREE letters - HHS. The S is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
In hindsight, "Penarlâg Academy" was right there. But no, we had to go with the initials shared with history's most infamous failed art student. Cheers, George Ledsham.
Our "Values"
Excellence
We aim high. Landing is another matter.
Respect
Please respect the WiFi. It's trying its best.
Community
We're all in this together. Suffering builds bonds.
Integrity
We honestly don't know where the heating budget went.
Ambition
One day, we'll have working printers.
Our "Prestigious" History
420 years of... something. We're not entirely sure what.
1606
School allegedly founded by George Ledsham
Documentation is 'lost'
1650
Survived the Civil War
Students did not notice
1898
Current building constructed
Heating was an afterthought
1945
Post-war expansion
Added more cold rooms
1998
Queen Elizabeth II opens new extension
She never came back
2019
WiFi installed
Has worked approximately 17 times since
2024
Heating 'fixed'
It was not fixed
2026
This parody website created
We're so sorry
Staff Attendance Lottery
Who will show up today? Place your bets.
| Name | Subject | Attendance | Status | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Mr. Actually-Here | Maths | 98% | LEGEND | Has been here since 1847 |
| Mrs. Expecting | English | 0% | MATERNITY | On maternity leave. Replacement TBD. Has been TBD since September. |
| Coach TBD | PE | 45% | MYTHICAL | Sightings are rare and unconfirmed |
| Ms. Remote | IT | 12% | DIGITAL GHOST | Emails from unknown location |
| Dr. Sabbatical | Science | 0% | ON LEAVE | Since 2022. We think. |
| The Supply Teacher Collective | Everything | ∞% | EVERYWHERE | A different person each time |
* All names are fictional. Any resemblance to actual staff is purely coincidental and hilarious.
Senior Leadership Team
The people who make the big decisions. Mostly about biscuits.
Connoisseur of 'staff wellbeing' budgets
Signature Sweet Treat
🍪 Luxury shortbread collection (for meetings only)
Budget Philosophy
"Has never been seen eating school canteen food"
Last Sighted
📍 Often spotted near the Costa machine
Champion of 'working breakfasts'
Signature Sweet Treat
🍪 Pain au chocolat (the fancy ones from M&S)
Budget Philosophy
"Proposed 'cake Friday' while rejecting new textbooks"
Last Sighted
📍 Conference rooms with catering
Expert at 'staff appreciation' snacks
Signature Sweet Treat
🍪 Hotel Chocolat advent calendar (starts in October)
Budget Philosophy
"SLT away day catering: £400. Science equipment: 'We'll review next year'"
Last Sighted
📍 Staff room when the good biscuits arrive
Creative accountant, emphasis on creative
Signature Sweet Treat
🍪 Whatever's in the 'emergency supplies' cupboard
Budget Philosophy
"Found the heating fund. It's now a Celebrations tin."
Last Sighted
📍 The locked office kitchen nobody else can use
Scheduling wizard (around cake time)
Signature Sweet Treat
🍪 Millionaire's shortbread (the irony is lost on him)
Budget Philosophy
"Staff training budget: sandwiches. SLT training budget: afternoon tea at the Savoy"
Last Sighted
📍 Anywhere with a 'working lunch'
Where the money really goes
SLT 'Working Lunch' Refreshments
Essential for decision making
£2,400
Leadership Conference Catering
Cannot strategise on an empty stomach
£1,850
Staff Appreciation Biscuits
Value range, naturally
£47
Parent Evening Refreshments
Water and regret
£23
Mystery 'Sundries' Line Item
Don't ask
£890
Total Annual "Refreshments"
£5,210
Meanwhile, the Art department shares one pot of PVA glue
* Any resemblance to actual school leadership teams and their biscuit preferences is entirely coincidental. Probably.
Buildings (Some Standing)
A comprehensive guide to our architectural... achievements.
Est. 1898
Condition
Standing (mostly)
Features
- •Original Victorian windows (drafty)
- •Character (damp)
- •History (mould)
Heating Status
Theoretical
Est. 1967
Condition
Concrete brutalism
Features
- •Fireproof (tested regularly)
- •Chemical smells (mysterious)
- •Emergency showers (untested)
Heating Status
Occasionally aggressive
Est. 1998
Condition
Smells like 1998
Features
- •Echo chamber acoustics
- •Equipment from the 90s
- •That one broken basketball hoop
Heating Status
Why would you need heating during PE?
Est. 'Temporary' (1985)
Condition
Defying physics
Features
- •Amplifies rain sound 10x
- •Sways in wind
- •Probably haunted
Heating Status
Portable heater (if you're lucky)
Est. 2008
Condition
The nice one
Features
- •Actual windows
- •Working heating
- •Students guard it jealously
Heating Status
Functional (causes resentment)