BREAKING: The heating is broken. Again. Wear layers. And maybe a sleeping bag.
HHS
HHS
EST. 1606

HAWARDEN HIGH SCHOOL

Ysgol Uwchradd Penarlâg

"Where Dreams Go to Get a Reality Check"

Providing "world-class" education since 1606. Results may vary. Side effects include sleep deprivation, caffeine dependency, and an irrational fear of the lunch bell.

Pick Your Trauma HouseToday's Catastrophe Report
420
Years of 'Excellence'
1,167
Hostages (Students)
4
Rival Cults (Houses)
0
Working Heaters

By The Numbers

Statistics that are 100% accurate* (*not actually accurate)

🏫
Since 1606
One of Wales' Oldest Schools
And it shows
👑
1998
Opened by Queen Elizabeth II
She never came back
❄️
0°C
Average Classroom Temperature
Character building, apparently
🏠
4 Houses
Intense Rivalries
Deiniol, Gladstone, Glynne, Ledsham

Latest "News" / Newyddion

All the news that's unfit to print, but we're printing it anyway

🔥
OOPSMarch 25, 2026
Year 9 Science Lab 'Incident' Totally Under Control, Says Nobody

The chemistry lab will be closed for 'routine maintenance' this week. The scorch marks on the ceiling? Decorative. The missing eyebrows? A fashion statement.

🍖
SURVIVALMarch 24, 2026
Canteen Unveils New 'Guess That Protein' Initiative

In an exciting culinary development, students can now play everyone's favourite game: 'Is It Chicken?' Spoiler alert: It's never chicken. Vegetarian option is still just a sad lettuce leaf.

📶
COMEDYMarch 23, 2026
IT Department Successfully Changes WiFi Password to Something They Also Forgot

In a stunning display of competence, the WiFi is now more secure than ever - mainly because absolutely no one can access it. 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' asked IT, before going on a 3-hour lunch.

👕
LANDMARKMarch 22, 2026
Lost Property Mountain Achieves UNESCO World Heritage Status

After years of unclaimed PE kits and mysterious single shoes, the lost property has been recognised as a site of cultural significance. Archaeologists have dated some items back to 2019.

📋
CLASSICMarch 21, 2026
Supply Teacher Attempts to Take Register, Gives Up After Third Name

'Is it... Shy-vorn? Sigh-oh-ban? Syo-bane?' The Year 8s showed no mercy. Siobhan's eye twitched involuntarily for the rest of the lesson.

🥶
FICTIONMarch 20, 2026
Heating Fixed! Just Kidding. Wear Layers.

After months of complaints, the school has addressed the heating situation by sending out a strongly-worded email suggesting students 'dress appropriately for the season.' The season is apparently Antarctic Winter.

"We'd say you can't make this stuff up, but honestly, we did."

House System / System Tai

Four houses. Four egos. Four groups of students who have based their entire personality on what colour badge they got handed on day one. It's basically the Hunger Games but with more homework.

House Points (Definitely Not Rigged)

🥇Ty Glynne
2901
🥈Ty Deiniol
2847
🥉Ty Gladstone
2756
💀Ty Ledsham
2698

Points awarded for: breathing, existing, and teachers playing favourites

⛪
Ty Deiniol
Bishop's Mitre

"We Read Books You've Never Heard Of"

Named after St. Deiniol. The 'quiet intellectuals' who absolutely will destroy you in a pub quiz and never let you forget it.

Personality Traits:

Insufferably SmartLibrary HoardersSilent But Deadly

Current Drama: Currently not speaking to Gladstone after 'the incident' at last year's spelling bee

🦁
Ty Gladstone
Liberal Party Emblem

"Second Place Is Just First Loser"

Named after William Gladstone. Will remind you of every victory since 1872. Has a PowerPoint presentation ready to prove it.

Personality Traits:

Aggressively CompetitiveSore WinnersWorse Losers

Current Drama: Still sending passive-aggressive emails about Glynne's 'questionable' Sports Day tactics

🏰
Ty Glynne
Hawarden Castle

"Bow Down, Peasants"

Named after Hawarden Castle. Acts like they own the place. Literally thinks having a castle symbol makes them royalty.

Personality Traits:

Delusions of GrandeurSuspiciously SmugCastle-Obsessed

Current Drama: Currently leading and making it everyone else's problem

🏫
Ty Ledsham
School Building

"We Started This, We'll End It"

Named after founder George Ledsham. The underdogs with main character syndrome. Peaked in 2014 and won't stop mentioning it.

Personality Traits:

Chaotic EnergyUnderdog ComplexUnhinged Rally Cries

Current Drama: Fourth place is just 'strategic positioning' apparently

Pro tip: Your house doesn't actually matter, but try telling that to someone who's been in Glynne for 5 years.

Calendar of Despair / Calendr

Mark your calendars! Or don't. These will change without notice anyway.

Upcoming "Fun"

FRI
27

Canteen Menu Change

SUSPICIOUS

Same food, different name. Innovation.

SAT
28

Weekend Day 1

SACRED

48 hours of freedom. Don't waste it on homework.

SUN
29

Homework Panic

CRISIS

Should've done it yesterday. Oh well.

MON
30

Detention Marathon

PUNISHMENT

All-you-can-sit edition

TUE
31

Sponsored Silence

IRONY

The only day teachers approve of students not talking

WED
1

Assembly

TORTURE

An hour of your life you'll never get back

Sentence Duration 2025-26
  • Spring Term EndsApril 4, 2026
    Finally
  • Easter BreakApril 6 - April 20, 2026
    Not long enough
  • Summer Term BeginsApril 21, 2026
    Already?
  • Half TermMay 25 - May 29, 2026
    A cruel tease
  • Summer Break BeginsJuly 17, 2026
    FREEDOM

Days until summer: 113
An eternity...

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OBVIOUS PARODY IS OBVIOUS

"Testimonials" / Celwyddau

Definitely real reviews from people who definitely exist and aren't made up at all

SS

Stomach of Steel

Escaped 2019

"The canteen food gave me the immune system of a cockroach. Silver linings, I suppose."
⭐⭐
TP

Traumatised Parent

Hostage Since 2021

"I learned more life skills from house rivalries than any PSHE lesson. Mainly conflict management."
⭐⭐⭐
WV

Year 13 War Veteran

Final Stretch

"The WiFi taught me patience. The kind you develop while staring at a loading screen for 40 minutes."
⭐
BI

Building Inspector

Refused to Return

"Outstanding building character. And by character, I mean structural damage."
⭐⭐⭐
RM

Resigned Mum

Counting Days

"My child learned resilience here. Mainly because nothing else worked properly."
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
FS

Frostbite Survivor

The Ice Age

"The heating situation prepared me for my future career as an Arctic explorer. Cheers for that."
⭐⭐⭐

"Prestigious" Achievements

Awards we gave ourselves because no one else would

📝

Creative Homework Excuses

∞

An ever-growing archive of fiction

👕

Lost Property Items

Yes

We stopped counting. It's a landmark now.

🔥

'Routine' Fire Drills

23

This term alone. We're 'very safe'.

"What doesn't kill you gives you something to complain about on social media."

DISCLAIMER: This is satire. It's a joke. Please don't send angry emails. We have enough of those from the fictional IT department. No actual schools, staff, students, or canteen workers were harmed in the making of this parody. The heating, however, remains a mystery.